What Could Happen, Will Happen
by The Princess of Darkness
Summary: Its the holiday season and Hellsing is forced to kick back and relax for a change...while everyone in the Hellsing mansion has their own adventures. And anything that hasn't happen yet...will happen! Oh, no!
1. Default Chapter

0_o Oh, god! I'm doing another humor fic! Run to the Hills! 

Umm, ok...Well, this idea came to me when I was watching "Kill Bill" and "Pulp Fiction", to combine many stories into a giant story...(pauses for hachets) anyway, this will be a mother of all horrible fanfics (at least to me)....So get ready for some Mary-Sue moments, crossovers, and pointless drivel. HELL, if you were to slap this up on some bad fanfic page, I would have acheived my goal! So, to forewarn y'all...Beware....

**What Could Happen Will Happen:**

Episode one: Conversation

Integra bit the end of her cigar long and hard as Walter finished his story. Oh, god it was so boring., and the rest of the table seemed dazed and unfocused.

"So, by now, I managed to still have the wires in my hands!" Walter exclaimed finishing his story.

"This resturant sucks the long one." Alucard finally said. Walter, Integra, and Seras suddenly turned to him. Seras, of course giggled madly, aproving her master's dry humor.

"Oh, shut up, Police Girl," He shoke his head, inhaled the brandy. "Brown noser." Seras slammed her shot glass and said in a booming voice. "No, because I don't feel like it." So the whole resturant could hear.

"Oh, for the love of god," Integra rubbed her forehead. "Where's the damn waiter with the WINE?!" She slammed her palm on the table. Integra winced at her hard slam, picked up her hand and rubbed it. Alucard sniggered loudly. "Aw, poor master!" he mockingly rubbed his fist to his left eye under his glasses.

Walter shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the situation. Integra was on the verge of throwing a fit at the lack of alchol, Alucard was bored out of his non-impaling mind, and Seras was trying too desperatly to fit in.

"Well, anyone else got a story?" Walter drummed the table, forcing a smile.   
"That smile is real as those nuclear bombs in Iraq America still hasn't found," Alucard leaned on his left hand, smiling up at Walter.

"This is painful," He admited finally. "Just tell a story...someone."

The table occupants looked around expect for Alucard.

"I got one," He said happily still leaning his head on his hand. "Wanna hear it?" 

"Go ahead, Lord Alucard." Walter persaude him, took a long sip of the white wine and perpared himself for one of Alucard's old barbaric story.

:"Oh, for the love of God..."Muttered Integra again slowly to Seras.

"Shut up, I'm talking now," Alucard grinned.

"It was back in 1456, and we haven't got visitors for a while, right? So, we invite this Polish noble to Wallachia. It was fall...I think, its been a while, so I can't remeber. And my backyard was covered with a forest of impaled people. And my god, this Pole was ugly (get, it pole? impale?)! He had that pale blonde hair. Sorta like Master's!" He pointed to Integra who glared off to the distance, waiting for the wine. Seras looked at Alucard with a mix of humor and annoyance. Alucard pressed on to his story. "His nose was big and bumpy! And his clothes-HA! I wore better clothes than that poor bastard!"

Seras narrowed her eyes. Her perspection of her mast was a horrible desgin of Twisted Sister or even Keith Richards who was comparable to him.

"I invited him to dinner, dine in front of those corpses. Well, sure enough he asked me "My lord, why do you insist of dining in front of this horrible smell?" It was in the evening and I was bright and cheerful untill he said that. "Why does it matter to you?" I asked him. Oh, the lovely terror on his face. He stammered and said "I-I was concerned for your health, my Prince!" Ok, really, I'm not one to put up with whinny people (somewhere in the story, Integra muttered "No fucking shit." sarcastically). so, I had him impaled on the highest pole above everyone else. At least 15-20 feet above everyone else. And only had at least 75 people impaled outside the courtyard under the moonlight."

Walter shuddered. Integra rolled her eyes. Seras pretended as if she heard nothing.

"This is rediclous!" Integra fumed. Finally, after thirty minutes of waiting, a scranny busy-boy appeared with a bottle of red wine. "My apologies, sir!" He said to Integra. She narrowed her eyes in disgust. "I am a woman, to let you know." The busy-boy's eyes widdened and he quickly placed the bottle on the table and walked away quickly.

Alucard burst into laughter and pointed at Integra.

"Ha! It was bound to happen!" Alucard said with his giant ego.

"Oh, as if your ego didn't need anymore inflating enough!" She spat at him.

"Hehe!" He clapped his gloved hands together.

"Well, its hazardous to even add more pride to him," Walter calmly sipped the wine a little more. "Its like a water ballon...its bound to explode sometime..." 

"B-but Master is a good man!" Seras innocently said to Walter.

Integra bursted into a quiet chuckle and pointed at the biwildered vampire. "Him? Him?! You gotta be kidding me! And pegiuns fly!"

"Don't we all have flaws?" Seras placed her hands on the table from her lap and looked directly at Integra and Walter. Alucard grinned.

"Yes we do!" He said menacingly. "I am willing to admit I am a catty bastard...a gorges, catty bastard none the less!" He pointed his index finger in the air in pride and smiled again.

"Your sickingly skinny. And you look like a giant mushroom in the distance," Integra pointed out.

"At least I look like my inteded sex, Master," Alucard smiled widder. He watched Integra's brow twitched in a quiet rage.

"Your guns are a subsitute...That's why their so big," Integra grinned.

Walter and Seras looked at each other in horror of Integra's comment. Seras blushed and sank into her chair and crossed her legs.

"Oh, my..." Walter said. "Sir Integra, that's hitting below the belt!"

Alucard cackled widely. "Ask Police Girl if its really a subsitute! She walked in on me the other day!" Alucard pointed his long finger at her. 

"Eep!" She squeeked in embarassment and turned to the side.

"For God sake's Alucard!" Integra rose. "Act like a man rather than a hormone driven teenager! Flashing at your fledgling vampire! What's wrong with you?!"

Walter shifted nervously in his seat. The whole resturant looked at her. Integra nodded her head nervously and sat back down.

Alucard cackled again and Integra groaned as she clasped her ears. Seras lowered herself in her seat more.

"Anyone else have a story to tell?" Walter persauded to break the awful silence.

"No." Leered Integra

"Why, not to my recolection," Alucard place his index finger to his chin "Unless you wanna hear what happened to the friar."

"I rather not, I plan to eat, _Vlad._" Integra turned her stone blue eyes to him in the utmost revulting way.

"Nope, sorry Walter," Seras said sweetly.

"Now can we have the wine?" Alcuard turned to her. Integra turned to the wine in shock realizing she never had it.

She poured each glass and stopped to Seras.

"How old are you? Seventeen?" She asked suspicously.

"I'm nineteen!" Seras said offendend. "Jez, just because I try to maintain a happy, boyant me doesn't mean I'm a Junior in High School!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Victoria," She poured the wine and placed to her side. "I thought you were the way you looked." 

"What's that supposed to mean?!" She glarred at her.

Alucard cackled and folded his hands together. Walter roled his eyes and looked away with his wine in his hands.

"Nothing, nothing," Integra shooked her head and sipped the wine.

"Its my figure, isn't it?" Seras demanded.

"No, it isn't. Please, I am very sorry, but just drop it." Integra sighed.

"No! It's my hair isn't it?!" Seras said desperatly.

"No, no...I suppose." Integra said weary "Please don't drag this on."

"How can you NOT notice her age with her giaganic boobs?" Alucard grinned happy about his comment.

"WHAT?!" Seras pulled way from the table.

"Your the one with the giant hat, Lord Alucard," Reminded Walter.

"Yes, but its better than me holding an impaled corpse, right?" Alucard shrugged.

"Shut up Alucard, you dirty pervert!" Integra glared at him. "You do have a giant hat!"

"Like about thirty feet long..."Seras looked down on him with a sort of glee.

"You look more dignifed without it," Walter added.

"Fine, fine," Alucard took off his glasses and enromous hat. "There."

"Oh, Master, you look handsome without that stuff on you," She sat back down smiling warmly.

"Really now?" Care to tell me that back in my quarters in bed?"

"WHAT?!"

"Alucard CONTROL YOURSELF!" Integra back handed his head.

"Hehe!" He giggled.

Walter, Integra, and Seras just stared at him...

"Umm...Maybe next time when I am not so creeped out, Master," Seras blushed insanely.

Walter poked Integra softly.

"Oh, Father Maxwell has requested you return his call after his meeting today." 

"Fine." Integra rolled her eyes at the sight of Alucard flirting with Seras. "You both are going to threw London. Tongiht too." She said quietly.

0_o Now that was werid. Ok, thoughts, rants, etc. Me crappie spellar...me know. And so forth.

~_^ Keep in mind I am setting this in the Holiday season!

NEXT TIME: Maxwell meets up with his friendly co-monsitary...and a lil' witch...XD


	2. Episode 2: YUMIKO VS ANDERSON! round 1

Foreword:

I really appreciate the (limited) reviews. Really. And I like to add...I decided not to include crossovers. I'm sorry, but it would be fun adding some mary sue moments in this fanfic. Anyone who is reading "Wrath", I will not stop with that one UNTIL I am finished. So don't freak out =P. Its a pain in the ass to stick to one genere...I love humor. Ok, before the fanfic proceeds, the fanfic will go into an interview with Alucard, so gather your questions, fangirls! Reader questions will be asked! ^_^ Thanks, really! Oh, and please don't hurt me...I am adding some Manga characters (Yumiko and Henikel) but I don't know their personalities too well...forgive the OOC!

Episode Two: Yumiko vs. Andersong! WOOT!

Yumiko was sitting against the back of the chair with most nervous look on her face. Henikel was gone too long. What was going on? She was long ovedue to appear with Maxwell. Yumiko squeeked. Andersong was at the end of the white hallway walking calmly threw and he stopped to look at the smitten nun who was sitting there.

"Good day, Yumiko," His soft smile gave a horrible irony despite the fact he had his knives well visable in his hand.

"Oh, hello..." Yumiko diverted her eyes to the door, trying to show Andersong she wasn't in the mood for talking. But Andersong frowned and persisted to talk to her.

"So, what are you out here for?" Andersong's smile faded quickly. He was irrated that Yumiko hadn't move from the same position, looking down the hall. His head began to thump with quiet rage.

"Ah! Andersong!" Maxwell walked down the hallway waving to him and not far from him, Rolando and Henikel followed. Yumiko's face lit up in a quiet joy.

"Hello, Enrico!" Yumiko bowed to Maxwell. Maxwell turned to Andersong, who had not stopped glarring at Yumiko. Henikel immedetlly greated Yumiko and turned to Andersong.

"Andersong?" she waved her hand above to his height of his face. "Hey, Andersong!" Henikel tapped her foot, and Andersong turned finally to Rolando, Maxwell, and Henikel. "Good day," he smiled to them in an false placid aura. Rolando fumbled in his breast pocket and handed a envolpe across Yumiko and Henikel to Maxwell.

"What's this?" Maxwell studied the envlope.

",,," Rolando gestured to the stamp. Maxwell's face lit up and beamed for a moment then dulled.

"Oh, I see its from Hellsing..." 

"Rolando didn't say anything, Enrico," Henikel glarred at Rolando for a moment and turned to Maxwell. "He never says anything."

Rolando tapped his foot. Maxwell carefully held the envlope. "Of course he does!" He placed his gloved hands on his waist. 

"No, he doesn't," Henikel's annoyance rose. Andersong and Yumiko stood side by side watching...back and forth the comments exchanged between Maxwell and Henikel.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Henikel," Maxwells nostrils flarred like a sniffing dog for a moment as he leaned in to Henikel's face. "It doesn't matter!"

Rolando tapped his foot.

"Stop doing that!" Henikel shouted at him and Rolando flinched a little. Maxwell frown and leaned back into her face. 

"Leave him alone, Henikel," He now was getting angery.

"B-but...the foot tapping! Good greif! How he says nothing and you some way understand!" Henikel waved her hands to Maxwell.

"That's enough HENIKEL!" Maxwell rose his arm's violently and knocked over Yumiko. "OUCH!" Yumiko fell to the floor, her glasses landed next to Andersong's left foot. 

Then....A mad smirk...then a giant grin appeared on Andersong's face. "See?! Look what you did, Enrico!" Henikel pointed. Rolando instinctively left the hallway and walked (rather scurried) to his corriders. Yumiko grasped her Katana sitting on the bench she was sitting on eariler. Her face lit up in a smirk, then a giant grin. She stood in a stance and withdrew her Katana from the shaft. Anderson drew his knives and placed it in the classic battle postion. Andersong cackled madly and Yumiko began to snicker.

"NO! NOT NOW," Maxwell screeched to both of them, but it seemed to have no effect. "NO! STOP IT!" He flew his arms in the air as if he were preparing a plane to land.

"Heheheh.." Andersong's grin grew wider. "You will pay for trying to ignore me, Yumiko!" 

Yumiko's violet eye's lit up. "Haha! I'd like to see you try with those pie cutters!"

"NO!" Maxwell tried to interven, but was pulled back by Henikel.

But it was too late. Yumiko charged right at the same time as Andersong, both cackling insanely. Andersong began to pirece and Yumiko defenseivly slashed his attacks. Anderson towered her, but Yumiko was a swift nun, dodging his attacks. Her black body whoshed by Anderson's whit back turning quickly to fend her off. Yumiko slashed, but her slashes were blocked by his sword, trying to pierce her.

WHAM! 

Yumiko slammed against Anderson against the wall as if they were in a Mosh pit. Anderson quickly fell and Yumiko had her blade infront of his face.

"HAHAHA!" Her face was twisted in her joy of having Anderson under her blade.

Anderson regan his composure and had his knives pressed against her Katana. Both faces met, cackling, as their saliva escaped their lips in a mad fury.

"HAHAHAHA!" Both equaly laughed.

"Oh, for the love of Micheal, what in the name of God is going on?!" A voice came back. Yumiko and Andersong froze and their heads turned slowly towards a man in red.

For it was the cardinal of Catanbury, holding his book and his beady green eyes looked at them. His old wrinkled face came into a sharp angle as he glarred at them.

Yumiko and Andersong said nothing.

"Iscariot and their lunatics!" The cardinal spat. "They take the rejects and warp them even worse!" He stormed off. By the time Maxwell uncovered his eyes, Andersong parted into the seperate direction and Yumiko came up to him, putting her glasses and returning to her sweet self.

"Well, I'm tired," she sighed straining her veil. "I will take a nap now."

Yumiko walked off to the other end of the hall where Maxwell and Henikel came. Maxwell blinked. 

"I hate myself." Henikel muttered and followed Yumiko unwillingly.

Bizzare. Well off to bed...sweet dreams ^^


	3. Episode three: Beforehand

Hey, thanks for reviewing my fic. But in case your all wondering why Andersong is spelt insted of "Anderson", because in Volume two during Maxwell and Integra's meeting in a museum, Maxwell refers him to "Andersong" and its in bold english too...So, another words, I am going along with the Manga spelling rather than the that spelling (or what it appears to be). I also have people who feel the same way with the spelling ,and these sites make a great referance to that:   
and  


I appreciate on everyone correcting me on this, but I feel I stand corrected on the name spelling here.

Episode three: Beforehand

From Alucard's asspect:

Its not even nearly 4:00 pm and I can already here that annoying screeching up below me and it litterly sounds like a car backfiring. Humans really. With their "problems" that aren't even really problems. Hell, I can go on and on. Oh, its time to go up there and see what my master wants.

**While walking down the hallway up to Integra's office**

Is it really just me? Am I really being this so concious? But, why is the whole entire mansion green? Even this hallway is green.

**Stops in the middle of the hallway and absent mindedly scratches his cheek with his gloved hand**

More the less, this compulsion about the green hallway...Would that be a woman thing rather than a human thing? Oh, shit I hope not...or maybe I am too old...where did I loose count? Five hundred and sixty something? No! I need to get up stairs, really...

**Alucard frowns while slowly going up the stairs. He stops and turns**

Say, where is the police girl? Is she up there? Hey, I am a No Life King, I can find out with my telepathy! Alright, where is poli-GAH! Whats wrong with that police girl?! Checking out the other soliders. Oh, so what if that dumb fuck passes you with the dark hair...What up with women and men with dark hair?! EVEN Carmila, a decent vampire likes the dark hair...

**sniffs**

I have dark hair too...  
So why doesn't police girl pay attention to me? I am very sexy, yes indeed. Ah, screw it.

**Alucard reaches the main doorway to Integra's office**

Why do those doormen look the same? As a matter of fact, they all look like their French and not British....Oh, fuck. Why is this bothering me...This is stupid. I am bored I want to kill something.

**Walks into Integra's office with a very large grin**

"Your Late." Integra sure does look angry...Feh, like I care.

"So I am." Just grin a little more...they gotta crack eventually...I am insane (Even though they haven't noticed what a monster I am, I need my ego inflated...Blah, blah, blah).

"Where is your apperentice?"

"So, she isn't here. Tsk tsk."

"Perhaps her tardiness is inherit..."

"Maybe." I shrugged.

**Integra sits with her hands clasped to her face and continues to look at him. Integra breaks away from the abnormal stare as Seras walks in, panting**

"I am sorry I am late, sir!" Whats up with that, she didn't acknoweldge me. Perhaps if I shift over...Oh, nope. She flinched. 

"Err, hi...Master?" She nervously looks away from me. Hmm...

Since when did police girl look more appealing...?

No, wait...I know this feeling....

I think...

No.

WAIT!  


What the HELL is going on-Oh, shit I am attracted to her.

Whats master rambling about? We have to go eat? I want to wear my hat...I like how big it is. And the sunglasses are quite nice too. Just smile and nod your head. It looks like Integra's mouth is fluttering like a bird....No, wait..that doesn't sound right. A dog talking? This doesn't make any sense. I am defenitly going back down and drinking again. I don't care about the essence of my Jackal bothering me. Ugh, the servants are decorating for Christmas...Well, I bet everything will be GREEN. Its always GREEN!

"ALUCARD! Are you even listening to me?!" Master looks mad. What the fuck did I do?

"Of course I am." I should smile more. Police girl rolled her eyes...Someone needs to be-

"Alucard. Then repeat what I said." Oh, hell...

"No." That outta do it.

"Your like a small child. You can't listen to me because your off in some daze only God knows."

"Not really, no." Police girl thinks I have ADD. What is ADD? "Umm...Sir?" Finally she says something. "Can we go then around evening?"

Integra really looks slightly disapointed. Looks like I don't have to emulate what she said...

"...We will be leaving at evening. Try not to look rediclous...." Why is she looking at me now. "Alucard."

**Seras turns away and departs to the door. Alucard turns to Integra**

"Will master be coming to?"

"Please don't wear your hat. It looks like a Mexican somberro."

"Where are we going?"

"Harry's."

"Not THAT place. They have horrible service."

"Shut up, we are going."

**Integra gestures him to leave**  


I hate that place. Its so slow. The man who runs the place has too many werid people running around. That American with the giant nose from Texas (he looks like Quincey. Bastard) or the snobby french woman with that...that...THING of a dog. Say its police girl, stopped out the door. It takes me too long to notice women...With their curves and all. And police girl has a lot...

Why...Why do I keep thinking that way?

"Hi, Master."

"Evening, Police girl."  


Suden urge...MUST...NOO!

**Alucard stops grinning and looks the other way**

I openly admit I tried looking at her as a daughter...Well, that sure as hell lasted long. Even my offspring don't look that way. She's disturbingly cute...In both...ways. Guh, thats disgusting thought there. Seras is too cuddly for this whole dark facid that vampires got. That hair is rediclously suiting, isn't it? But...I have been blind. Aw, its so cute how she has a crush on me. She's adorable little thing. And how my boredom drifts away...

But she is very fair for someone her age...Like a little angel.

**Alucard's sudden state of mind: ^_^ (YES, I KNOW...ITS DISTURBING!)**

"Master, are you hungry or something?" Seras looks confused...Aw, how cute! She folded her arms!

"No, I am not. If you excuse me." Ah, crap...what if they really knew how I thought how adorable she was...So cute and fair...Shit, I find her very attractive.

"Good night, master! See you in a bit."

Hmmm. Good night, police girl. I'm too out of it. I am bored. I'll torment Integra after food...

And threw the night, Alucard was bombarded with random thoughts. Why some even say that the dark prince of Translyvania was cursed with a very SHORT attention span. Not only did Alucard slept soundly...He continue degrading himself for finding his new "view" on Seras...

;_; I am so sorry for the OOCness...Its an intresting twist....Anwyay, tune in.

Dammit, people! The interview! Get your questions!! GAH!


	4. Episode Four: Curse of the Black fanfict...

Hey again. Its been a huge, boring week. I finally got ahold of Pirates of the Carribean. Now I can watch Sparrow come on to the deck while his ship is sinking. ^^ ANYWAY, you bad fanfics author with your mediacore stories have inspired me. I know I can't write to well at fanfiction, but my stuff on Fictionpress.net (under Morbid Angel) begs to difer. Yeah, granted, some of my fanfics makes the characters OOC (like the humor ones 0_o), but I know my boundries. So, I will burn you now.

**Episode Four: Hellsing Orginization of Britain: Curse of the Black Fanfiction**

"Oh, its December 2nd, isn't it?" The dirty blonde solider standing outside a jeep asked his comrade who was unloading ammunition from the trunk.

"Yeah, so it is," He added uncommintingly. The dirty blonde blinked for a moment. He looked at his comrade with a frown.

"But don't you know?" He leaned down at him.

"What?" he asked slightly annoyed.

"Pirates of the Carribean is out on DVD!" He looked at his comrade with a fierce look in his eyes. Granted, he took off his helmet and lifted his left eyebrow in a confused look on his face. "So, whats it to you?" The dirty blonde opened to his mouth to say something but was sharply cut off by Seras walking past them.

"Oi! Victoria!" He shouted to Seras. Seras turned around. She was tired and heading back to bed from dinner eariler (^^ surely you know) with Alucard, Walter, and Integra. 

"Yes?" She asked rather annoyed.

"You seen Pirates of the Carribean, right?" He asked her coming forward. Seras turned her face back in the direction she was going to and narrowed her eyes, muttered some swear words mentally and turned back around. "Yes, June 9th," She looked at him. He smiled lightly. 

"Should I buy the DVD for my sister?" He asked Seras rather nervously. "I mean...do you think its a good thing for her? I need a female opinon."

"Oh, any girl would go nuts over that movie," She waved her hand carelessly. "With Mr. Depp and Mr. Bloom." With that Seras left the solider standing there before he could ask another question. She headed down towards the basement. Seras swang her bedroom door open.

"So tired," She muttered. "And I drank blood too. Stupid Integra asking my age."

She sat on her bed looking at the empty pail of ice. Seras felt her soft bed against her bare fingers.

"I'll shut my eyes for one moment...It don't matter," She said lying down. She happily sighed against her pillow. "Goodnight, Police Girl." she muttered sleepily.

***SOMEWHERE, IN SERAS' DREAMS***

Seras happily dozed off into a heavy sleep. But something was rustling in her room. Seras listened to it in a half daze. But it became more clear as she payed more attention to it. Seras blinked and looked towards the distance.

"WHA?" She jumped to her feet. "The sea?!"

She looked off in the distance as the waves brushed against a bright sunny sky against the dock. 

"Whats going on?" Seras blinked rapidly. She realized she'd be stripped of her power in the sun and clutched her arms. But her sweater was not there. Seras looked down and looked a white dress.

"What the?! Whats going on?!" Seras blinked.

"Why, you have been placed in a crossover fanfiction, Seras." A random voice said behind Seras. She turned slowly and gasped the sight before her. There was Helena, in a most bizzare outfit. A pirate outfit none the less. Her annoyed eyes looked back at Seras with a half sympathetic, half annoyed look. "You better be careful, these writters can make you horribly out of character." Seras blinked and looked down at the white dress again. 

"Like your wearing a corset for instance." Helena pointed out. Seras felt her air being contracted. She winced as she realized the tight friction around her.

"Why?" Seras looked at Helena with a most pathetic look. Helena narrowed her eyes and looked up at the sky.

"Because the author felt you needed a corset, even though you wouldn't be caught dead in it." Helena walked over to Seras on the deck. Seras didn't understand it at all. But she hoped the authors wouldn't do anything more horrible to her. She wiggled her fingers together and looked down at Helena hoplessly.

"Oh, did I mention your in the hit movie crossover, 'Pirates of the Carribean'?" Helena looked even more disgruntled. "Damn fangirls and their doomed crossovers!" She raised her small fists as they twitched violently. Seras never seen a more bizzare site than a small child that looked to go on a murderous rage.

"But...We'll be ok, right?" Seras frowned. 

"Don't...say...anything!" Helena said sharply.

"Why?" Seras stopped.

Then, a sudden gather of clouds formed together and a ominous light filled the harbor and the deck. 

"Hiya, readers!" Boomed a squeeky voice from the air. "I don't like Helena's personality, so I will change it. It'd make Helena more likable!"

"NO!" Helena twitched. She froze and her face became petrified with anger. Helena spun around to Seras.

"Hi!" Helena boomed in an unnatural voice.

"...What happened?!" Seras said to Helena. The only reply from Helena was her immedate large almost Alucard-like grin.

Seras spun to look at the harbor. The clouds parted away rapidly and the sun came out again. But off in the distance, Seras saw a familar site.

"Wow!" Seras clapped her hands eagerly, ignoring the frozen Helena with her large grin. "Captian Jack Sparrow!" 

So, it was. The ship moved closer and closer. Seras smiled eagerly as the ship came closer. But her happiness soon died. The form became more distinct and the pirate's face seemed to be more like Alucard's. Well, it was Alucard in long dredlocks, dark eyeshadow, a large pirate hat, and his hair was covered by a red bandana. His clothes even matched Captian Jack Sparrow but in a dark red or black form.

The ship sank lower and lower, untill...Captian Alucard stepped off the top and jumped on the deck. Seras stood dumbfounded next to a petrified Helena in the same form, gapping at Alucard.

"Master?!" Seras looked at him trying to deside wheter or not to like him even more or run in terror. Captian Alucard spun around, and made a bizzare gesture with his gloved hands.

"_Captian_ Alucard!" Captain Alucard corrected her automatically. He walked to her almost in a funny daze as if he'd been out in the sun too long and his sunburn was affecting him. He stopped and swayed a little. Seras blinked and turned to Helena.

"WTF, OMG, L33T! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYPER!" Helena waved her small arms frantically.

"Poor Helena!" Seras frowned.

The dark clouds formed again and the squeeky fangirl voice emerged again! "^_^ Alucard is more sexy with my new personality for him!" The small girl voice squeeked from above. "I'm very orginal, aren't I? R/R PUH-LEAZY!"

Seras figited and look back at Captain Alucard. 

"Savvy," He muttered happily. "An' how are you love?" Seras blushed and shrugged. "Master!" Seras grabbed his shoulders. He smiled again in his daze. "Savvy." He repeated. 

"Master?!" Seras cried frantically. "Please snap out of it!"

"_Captian_ Alucard!" Captain Alucard corrected her again. Seras groaned and walked to Helena. Helena was jumping around again in a happy daze. Seras rubbed her temple as she watched her Master trail off in an odd walk She turned away knowing of the next part with the British guards.

Helena shoke her head, violently and looked back at Seras. "They...made me..stupid!" Helena smashed her left foot against the deck. "I am a vampire! Vampires do not go out in the sun, author!"

The clouds formed again, Seras whimpered in worry as the darkness fell over again.

"Vampires can go out in the sun cuz its not normal to hide in the dark!" The squeey voice pointed out as Helena glared upwards. "Hehe, thats my first flame! I love you for you flame!"  


"Thats not a flame, dumbass," Helena looked even more menicingly. "Thats critquing. Critizism is not flames!"

"Why, yes they arez," The voice became more weary. "Cuz I said they weren't!"

"So," Helena walked forward raising her fist Seras watched from the distance in subbisive form. "I suppose movie producers or great play writers should automatically write a statement because critizism IS harmful to MORONS like you?!"

The voice paused.

"K, thats stupid," The squeeky voice reafirmed herself "Cuz my fanfic is great! Sorry if I am not good as you. I'll sit in my corner and shoot myself, boohoo. R/R PLEAAAAAZ!!!11"  


"You do that, dumbass," Helena said indifferently.

"Where's the Black Pearl?!" Seras looked behind her again. Integra, had long scraggy hair, many scars on her face and Barbossa's outfit on.

"Excuse me, Sir?" Seras looked at her confusingly. 

"We named the monkey Jack!" Integra said lifting a small monkey from her jacket. Seras looked around her as she saw herself in a cave.

"Now what?!" Seras asked Helena. She shrugged. "I guess the author decided to write her story extra short because of the lack of skills and those reviews."

"Reviews?" Asked Seras knelling down to Helena. "What Reviews?"

Helena pointed up as the dark clouds formed once more and this time, many squeeky voices emereged.

"OMG, YOUR FANFICCY ROCKS!" Said a small voice.

"I can't wait to see mooore! Write moooooooooooore pleaz! Thank oyu!" Said another, but deeper voice.

"Anyways, nice chapter! CONTINUE OR I SKIN YOU ALIVE AND THEN CHOKE YOU WITH THOSE ANAL BEADS! I will do that if you push me!!!!!!!!!" The voice echoed from the many exclaimtion points; Seras and Helena covered their ears from the wind blasted. "How many more exclaimation points do you need, moron?!" Helena shouted barely audioble threw the wind and the echo of the exclaimation points.

"THis was very funny! LOL! i liked IT! That one sent me rolling! LOL write more!" The last small voice came through the tabern sent Integra-Barborossa rolling down the treasure like a log.

"Sir Integra!" Seras scrambled to her feet to help Integra.

"Thats Integra-Barborossa to you, missy!" Integra-Barborossa emerged, in a half-dead skeltal form.

"Since when is there moonlight?" Seras turned around.'

"You die now, Swann!" Integra-Barborossa charged forward to Seras. Seras turned around and smiled as she held out her hand and flicked Integra across the cave.

"Because the author doesn't know ANYTHING about scenery!" Helena shouted throwing off random shipmates of the Black Pearl.

Captain Alucard reappeared coming threw the floor. He stumbled, swayed his way through the rain of the shipmates and pulled a sword out from the rubble. Captain Alucard paused and automatically put on a golden crown.

"Savvy," He smiled as he slid down the pile and began to fight with Integra-Barborossa. Seras stood from the sidelines realizing the story was almost ending.

"Oh, god," Helena growled. "How much MORE do you want, you dumb fuck?!" Helena shouted up to the walls of the cave.

"This is so annoying!" Seras clasped her hands to her face. "No more, please!"

Then, Helena suddenly broke into smile.

"Looks like a 'cliffhanger', but since there is no plot, its a no-one-cares-cliffhanger!" Helena smiled happily. Seras sighed with relief. "No, more huh?"

"I guess the lack of writing ablity can be a blessing too. The fanfiction is over. Helena returned to her normal clothes and Seras found herself in her libarary.

"Goodbye, Seras Victoria. Hope to see you again."

PLOP.

Seras sprang to her feet from her bed side and sighed happily. She ran to the table in her room and picked up the DVD and eyed it carefully. She came to the conclusion that there were some horrible writers out there but none seem more horrible than the teenage fanfiction writers. Seras pulled the DVD out and giggled at the thought of Integra-Barborossa and Captian Alucard as she popped in the DVD and watched it.

I hope that teaches you guys a leason about writting. Please, don;t be stupid about fanfics and change character's personality, devolp a more fluent plot (excluding a Mary Sue), and try to sound smarter. But like I said, I'm not good myself, but I have my limits.

_ I'm watching my special two-disc DVD! night.


End file.
